Politically correct cuisine

Danny Hanemann

Seems to Me...

We meat eaters are under attack from a number of quarters these days- vegetarian activist groups decrying our cruelty, doctors warning of health effects and burying us in an avalanche of numbers- cholesterol scores, obesity statistics, arterial plaque alerts.

One of the most vociferous of the vegetarian groups is the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA). Here is an excerpt from their website, 'Fight for Their Rights.

Animals deserve rights, regardless of how they taste or how convenient it is to experiment on them. Like humans, animals are capable of suffering and have an interest in leading their own lives. They are not ours to use for food, clothing, experimentation, or entertainment.'

But if you think that's off the wall, check out this quote from the Militant Vegetarian website, 'Join the ranks of the new underground joining forces to end world hunger by violently opposing the fascist tyranny of the meat eating population. No longer must the non meat eating sit by non violently watching the meat eating savages continue to cover the planet in a deepening layer of cow waste.

'The time of the new world order is at hand, as our leaders have told us, and we may now violently take our place as masters of the planet, while meat eaters inbreed themselves out of existence in an orgy of disease, grease and insects.'

Don't these people realize that, every day across America, tens of millions of innocent tomatoes are slashed to pieces simply to satisfy their voracious vegetarian appetites? Countless billions of blameless bean sprouts, who never had the opportunity to twine their tender tendrils to the sun, will literally be eaten alive.

Guiltless green beans, potatoes, and carrots- perfectly capable of reproducing new, viable offspring- are plunged headlong into boiling water, extinguishing any hopes for their future generations. Harmless eggplants are being eviscerated and baked in ovens at high temperatures. ... I can't go on.

Because of these epicurean outrages, it has become necessary to establish the Vegetable Rights Organization (VRO). Our logo will be a tomato cringing under the shadow of a knife with a circle with a line through it.

Our pledge is to continue to consume large quantities of T-bones and prime rib in order to leave little room in our bellies for veggies. Barbequed pork, smothered in sauce will become the mainstay of our diets, thus sparing as many hapless vegetables as possible. Hot dogs, sausages, meatballs, the possibilities are endless.

Of course, some certain grains and fruits, which are used in the production of beer, wine, or other spirits, will necessarily have to be excluded from VRO protection. And the watermelon will have to be reclassified as an animal by Congressional legislation.

We must unite now if we can ever hope to save our little green buddies before these gluttonous vegans strip this planet bare and brown.

Help stop the senseless slaughter. Join the VRO today!

'Upon what meat doth this

our Caesar feed,

That he is grown so great?'

Shakespeare's 'Julius

Caesar.' Act I, sc ii